A Handsgate Exclusive, Part I: Collusion, Nostalgia, And Canadian Ro-Sham-Bo
A Handsgate Exclusive is my next blog-series which will tell an entirely fictitious story loosely inspired by the buttocks-grabbing controversy, AKA “Handsgate.” It will be released in three parts. Here is part I.
DISCLAIMER: All the events and dialogue portrayed come from my own lively imagination and are not real. The police officers in this story are not real-life police officers. I made up their names, personalities, and dialogue. The entire story is a fictional joke. It is not meant to represent actual events, or the actual dialogue or beliefs of any real people. It is using one funny thing that allegedly happened in the hockey world and then making an entirely fictitious story out of it with fake dialogue. With that in mind, the spelling is intentional as well. I don’t know any NHL players and so have no way of representing their personalities or beliefs accurately. It’s all fiction. It’s all a joke. Yeah yeah, jokes have to be funny. At the least, it’s all fiction. Want to make that clear. Good.
With the rumors that Claud Gireaux was arrested recently for allegedly grabbing the buttocks of a male police officer, many out there in the hockey community (and maybe some other communities) have wondered what exactly happened.
Luckily, I have sources on the inside in, well, wherever this supposedly happened, Philadelphia probably, and I’ve heard a detailed account of the fateful events that took place that day, revealed here in a behind the scenes Shark Circle exclusive.
It all started when Claud Gireaux visited the local police station to report Flyers’ management for, in his mind, colluding with the Columbus Blue Jackets over the Scott Hartnel trade, and an argument erupted. The officer who listened to his complaint at the desk began to laugh. He told Gireaux that Hartnel used to come in all the time saying the exact same thing, only about the James Van Riemsdyk trade.
“So you’re telling me your various GMs and your owner aren’t just in cahoots to help the Maple Leafs, but now also the Blue Jackets?” Said the officer, whose name tag-read Officer Cillian Hemigeht. “Give me a break!”
Gireaux had to admit the officer with the annoyingly typical Philadelphia name was right. The odds of them colluding with two different teams was unlikely.
“Thank God,” laughed Gireaux. “I guess they’re just idiots after all! At least there’s still hope haha! No conspiracy or anything! Thank God!”
The next few minutes were a bit chaotic, my Nhl_Sources_Say. Apparently the use of the word conspiracy caused a lot of commotion in the station. A bunch of NSA agents rushed in and grabbed Gireaux. Phrases like “warn Him,” “burn all the files,” “what if he finds the plane?” and “we might have to take him to Guantanomo” were uttered. Apparently Gireaux even said something like he wasn’t afraid because he’d already survived plenty of dry islands in the past, plus he’d probably have a better chance of winning the Cup out there anyway.
But soon everyone realized he’d said no conspiracy, and that it was all just a big misunderstanding. It took Gireaux a few minutes to get over that the offer to move to a Cup contender was being rescinded. These agents were such teases. He felt like Roberto Luongo under Mike Gillis. Still, he tried to talk the NSA agents back into the idea using the Tyrion Lannister bluffing strategy of calling them all whores and saying he never loved them, but that never worked for Roberto Luongo under Gillis, either, and it wasn’t going to work for Gireaux. Then he tried to modify the strategy to the real world circumstances at hand, telling the agents he really did believe in conspiracies, and that they’d understood him right the first time. But it didn’t take long for the NSA to look through all his emails and figure out that he’d never even listened to Alex Jones once, so all the agents eventually dispersed and left only the original officer, Cillian Hemigeht, with Gireaux, so that the story could get back to the point.
“Listen, Claud,” said Officer Hemigeht, as he came around the desk and put his arm over Gireaux’s shoulder. “I know last season was hard on you, but on the bright side, was Hartnel really that good, anyway? I mean he’s a pretty good power forward, but he’s not a dynamic superstar or anything. Has he even made an all-star team before?”
This is when things really started to escalate. First, someone new barged through the station doors.
“I’M A F***ING ALL-STAR!” He yelled. “YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!”
At first glance it appeared to be… Derek Engeland!? But then he mumbled, “S***. I broke cover.”
Gireaux wasn’t fooled for a second. “Heater, why are you dressed like Derek Engeland???”
Dany Heatly: “F***! They know! You can’t tell anyone Claud yuh bastard! You can’t!”
Claud Gireaux: “Fine but tell me. Why are you dressed like him?”
Heatly pursed his lips, locking his jaw, frustrated. “It’s just… I wanted to remember what it feels like to have a contract I’m not worth. You know how it is. Nostalgia, man… Am-I-right?”
Everyone nodded together in agreement.
Officer Hemigeht: “Nostalgia, man.”
“Nostalgia…” Gireaux sighed, shaking his head, his eyes very far away for a moment. “Gets you every time…”
“Tell me about it,” Heatly said softly, a lone tear sliding down his left check.
Gireaux: “But wait Dany, none of that explains why you’re here?”
“Uh yeah it does. Haven’t you been listening? I’m looking for a contract!” Heatly said, regathering his composure. Then he looked toward Officer Colin Hemigeht. “I heard you guys play the firemen a couple of times a year. How’d you like to add a m*****f***ing all-star? I’ll set the f***ing ice on fire, see what good their hoses do then! They’ll be screwed! Anyone who’s played Canadian Ro-Sham-Bo knows that only water can beat fire, but ice beats water, so if I turn the heat on so high that even the ice sets on fire, their water-hoses will be useless!”
There was a pause.
“Cuz ice beats water, yuh? So if my fire is ice immune, it has to be fire immune, too!” Heatly continued. “Bet you guys would like that, huh?”
Gireaux was so perplexed that he spoke up before Hemigeht could even respond to Heatly’s offer.
Claud Gireaux: “Uh, what?”
Dany Heatly: “Why are you looking at me like that man? It’s Canadian Ro-Sham-Bo! It’s foolproof!”
Claud Gireaux: “Um, I’m not sure that’s…”
Heatly: “Oh yeah??? You think you know Canadian Ro-Sham-Bo better than me, do yuh? Do yuh??? Let me ask you something…”
“What.” Gireaux said flatly.
Heatly: “Do you have an Olympic gold medal for Team Canada? Do yuh?”
Heatly: “That’s right b****, you don’t. You didn’t even make the team. But do you know who does?”
A new officer wearing an ESPN hat barged through the door.
“Crosby!! Right??? I think I know that one!”
Everyone glared at him.
“Right???” Said the new Officer, “Captain Wilson” according to his badge, before his cell phone rang and he walked to the edge of the room to take the call.
Heatly: “I have a gold medal for Team Canada. That’s right, me. So don’t you dare question my knowledge of Canadian Ro Sham Bo!”
This whole day was starting to get on Gireaux’s nerves. And it was only going to get worse. Still, he tried his best to defuse the situation.
Gireaux: “Look, Dany, I’m not questioning you… I’m just wondering if maybe when you were little, you weren’t having a little trouble remembering how fire and water worked, so maybe your parents came up with a little game to help you remember…”
Heatly looked like he was about to explode.
Heatly: “You think I don’t know how fire works?? MY NAME IS DANY F***ING HEATLY!”
Gireaux: “Well I’m sure you know now, but, well, where to start? First of all, you don’t even make any sense. If ice is all that beats water, why would you want to melt it with your fire? Then the firemen would just have more water to use against your fire…”
Officer Hemigeht could see that Heatly was about to take a run at Gireaux, so he decided to butt in.
Officer Hemigeht: “Look, you guys, save the fighting for the ice.”
“But no one will give me an NHL contract!” Heatly yelled. “How am I supposed to fight him!”
Hemigeht was running out of patience. “Did you come here to fight or did you come here for a contract? This is a police station. We have to conduct ourselves with a certain level of… dignity.”
“I really hope we get another disturbance at the strip club tonight,” Captain Wilson could be heard on the phone. “Love those b****es. If most people knew how well they, you know, served the law, we’d all be fired and they’d be given our jobs hahaha.”
Heatly was too involved in his own pickle to notice anything else around him, so he just sighed. “You’re right,” he said to Officer Hemigeht, before glancing at Gireaux. “He’s not worth it.” Then his eyes lit up. “But does that mean you’ll sign me, Officer Hemigeht?!”
Captain Wilson (on the phone): “I’d sure like to sign that redhead at the club, that’s what I’d like…”
“Yeah right!” Gireaux laughed. “Like that’s going to happen.”
Heatly and Captain Wilson both turned and spoke up in unison. “Why not!”
“I meant Heatly getting a contract here,” Gireaux snapped back.
“Actually,” Officer Hemigeht countered, “this guy has the perfect attitude to be a cop. Just not here. Why don’t you give me your card Dany, and I’ll give New Mexico a call and get back to you.”
Heatly looked like he’d just been crowned Canadian Ro-Sham-Bo champion. “Sounds f***ing great! Can’t wait to ice those firemen hahahahaha!”
“Oh…” Hemigeht hesitated. “Dany, that’s not what I meant. I hate to dampen your spirits–”
Claud Gireaux: “–Really? I can’t think of a better public service–”
Officer Hemigeht: “–But there’s no way you would make the hockey team. Still, I think New Mexico could really use you on the force!”
Heatly’s ecstasy turned to disappointment. “F***, bro! Well, do they at least have like, a policing all-star team? For tasing drunk teenagers and stuff?”
Once again Heatly left Officer Hemigeht unsure how to respond. “I don’t think so…”
Dany Heatly: “Well f*** you both then! I’ll just stick with my plan. That England guy can go play Mr. police-man in New Mexico for all I care if he’s sick of the UK. I’ll shoot my All-Star one-timer at him until he agrees. I’m taking his spot playing hockey next year! I won’t hear another word about it!”
Officer Hemigeht: “Umm… you do what you like, Dany, but I actually know Derek pretty well. He’s very popular here in Philadelphia for all the gifts he gave us playing for the Penguins, ain’t that right Claud?”
Gireaux nodded. “Oh yeah.”
Officer Hemigeht: “But where your plan is concerned, Dany, you should know there are a few problems–”
“–NOT ANOTHER WORD!” Snapped Heatly.
“… Actually, go ahead.” He continued. “Nothing doth entice like good advice, as we always say in Canada.”
Claud Gireaux: “I’m not even… I’m just not…”
Hemigeht: “First of all, the only reason Engeland even got his big contract is because he’s seen as the ultimate good, ‘character guy.’ So New Mexico wouldn’t let him within five square miles of their police station. There’s no way you could send him there, not unless you want his death on your hands when they shoot him for helping some old lady cross the street, so I’d rethink that plan. Second, you can shoot your one-timer at him all you like, but have you thought out exactly how you’re going to hit him?”
Dany Heatly: “Don’t be ridiculous.”
Officer Hemigeht: “No, really.”
Officer Heatly: “I have a diagram and everything! See??? I told you, I planned this out!”
Officer Hemigeht: “I guess, Dany. I guess.”
Heatly’s smile lit up the room. “See!!!!!”
Officer Hemigeht: “… But do you realize Engeland plays defense, right?”
The room fell quiet. Heatly’s eyes went wide with horror.
Officer Hemigeht: “Yeah…”
Then Heatly’s eyes started darting across the room, turning to panick. “Well does he at least get some power-play time on D???”
Hemigeht’s lips pursed with disappointment. “I’m afraid not,” he said. But then he remembered something he thought might cheer Heatly up.
“What I can tell you is that while he doesn’t get power-play time, he does get lots of time on the penalty kill!”
“F***!!!” Heatly screamed. “My plan is ruined! RUIINNEEDDD!!!!!”
And with that, Heatly turned to walk out in defeat. Gireaux just kept shaking his head, as he had been this entire time. At this point Captain Wilson had ended his phone call so he could sit and watch. Heatly’s eyes stared down at the floor as his feet shuffled through the door way.
“I guess you better call New Mexico after all…” Heatly called back at Officer Hemigeht.
Watching Heatly hunched over, a broken man, dragging his feet out the door, Gireaux couldn’t help but feel bad, despite Heatly’s attitude. It almost surprised him, but in that moment Gireaux decided hell, why not throw him a bone.
Claud Gireaux: “Look, Dany.”
Heatly turned around, staring up at Gireaux with sad puppy eyes.
“Yuh-yuhh-yuhess???” Heatly sniffled.
Gireaux couldn’t help roll his eyes. “Dany why don’t you just call Bob Murray?” He said. “You already suck at skating, so all you need to do is tell him you play defense, and you’re set.”
Heatly looked back angry and petulant. “I don’t want to play defense, and I definitely don’t want to go back to Ottawa!”
Gireaux’s neck was getting tired from all the head-shaking. “Bob Murray, not Bryan. And I know you don’t want to play defense, but I bet if you play poorly enough five-on-five, Boudreau will put you on the power-play.”
Heatly mulled it over, then brightened up a bit. “You know what, it could work!”
Gireaux smiled half-heartedly.
“Wow thanks bro! I’m going to try it!” Then Heatly dialed Bob Murray’s number, walked to another room where it was quiet enough to talk, and emerged only a minute later looking ecstatic.
Dany Heatly: “It worked! He signed me! One-year, one-million!”
Hemigeht’s eyebrows raised. “Well that was quick.”
Dany Heatly: “I know! I’m the s***! Bryan’s brother says he loves my character! F***in right! He says he’s already in the process of trading Sami Vatanen and Cam Fowler to make room for me and the other guy he signed who also likes getting st*ned or something, I didn’t quite hear exactly. But I’m so psyched! You guys came through!”
Gireaux’s smile became slightly more genuine and full. It was nice to help someone out, even if they were a bit… rough around the edges.
“Well, you’re welcome.” Said Gireaux.
“Yeah whatever b****.”
And just like that, Heatly left.
Written by Shark Circle
This concludes Part I of A Handsgate Exclusive. The rest is already written so check back daily for the final entries in the adventure. You can catch read Part II here.
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