What They Really Meant, 24/7 Edition: PHILADELPHIA FLYERS

Here is Part 2 of “What They Really Meant.” This entry will focus on quotes from Episode 1 of HBO’s 24/7 Flyers/Rangers series that leads up to the Winter Classic, with the Philadelphia Flyers today. If you missed part 1 on the New York Rangers, CLICK HERE.

This post is for humorous and entertainment purposes only. All quotes are taken from 24/7, but the subsequent “analysis” is my creation only, and not intended to accurately reflect the mindset of any person quoted herein.

Without further delay, I give you What They Really Meant, 24/7 Edition: Philadelphia Flyers, starting with Flyers head coach Peter Laviolette.

SETTING

Head coach Peter Laviolette is giving a passionate speech to his players before a game.

WHAT THEY SAID

Peter Laviolette: “… We are not a conservative team! We’re a let’s fucking giddy-up and go type of team!”

WHAT THEY MEANT

I wonder if they can CG a cowboy hat onto me in post-production for when I’m saying this.

SETTING

Head coach Peter Laviolette is being interviewed by HBO about his philosophy on coaching in the National Hockey League.

WHAT THEY SAID

Peter Laviolette: “I think that when you enter a season, if your expectation isn’t to win the Stanley cup then you’ve already sold your team short, you’ve already sold your expectations short.”

WHAT THEY MEANT

That’s right Calgary, Columbus, New Jersey, Tampa Bay, Anaheim, Edmonton, Minnesota, St Louis, Phoenix, Florida, Winnipeg, Ottawa, Carolina, Dallas, Colorado, New York Islanders, Nashville, I said it. Fuck you! Why do you even bother?

SETTING

Philadelphia Flyers General Manager Paul Holmgren is being interviewed about his philosophy on managing a National Hockey League team.

WHAT THEY SAID

Peter Laviolette: “Sometimes you need to take risks in our business.”

WHAT THEY MEANT

Except for you, Greg Sherman. My god.

SETTING

Flyers starting goaltender Ilya Bryzgalov is being interviewed about who knows what. Whatever question he was asked, I highly doubt it was what he ended up talking about: the universe.

WHAT THEY SAID

Ilya Bryzgalov: “I don’t know, right now I’m very into the universe, like how it was created, like what is it, the solar system is so humongous big! But if you see like our solar system, our galaxy like on the side is so small, you can’t even see it.”

WHAT THEY MEANT

Small. Black. Bryzgalov can’t even see it. Could it be, mankind’s great mystery–finally solved? Our galaxy is a hockey puck!

WHAT THEY SAID

Ilya Bryzgalov (continued): “… Don’t worry. Be happy.”

WHAT THEY MEANT

Then again, that’s easy for me to say. My GM didn’t just hire Daryl Sutter to be my coach.

SETTING

Ilya Bryzgalov is being interviewed about his decision to sign for Philadelphia last offseason as an unrestricted free agent.

WHAT THEY SAID

Ilya Bryzgalov: “When I sign here people say oh you know where you’re going, you’re going to hell, they hate they like never have a goalies, they go hard on goalies. It sounds like it’s a miserable market for the goaltenders.”

WHAT THEY MEANT

Damn, they did warn me they didn’t they? Maybe if I can get my saving percentage up to on top of .900% for a couple of the days they will be able to trade me. Just please, I begs you, not Columbus. I would rather retires. The stories, they have gones through our dressings rooms, from the Jeff Carter friends to their ears, to my ears, like a comet through our tiny solar systems, straight to pathways of my brains. I almost pulled a Van-Gogh just listening to their horrors.

SETTING

Philadelphia Flyers defenseman Chris Pronger is being interviewed about watching the game from the sidelines.

WHAT THEY SAID

Chris Pronger: “It’s never fun, I’ve never been a big fan of watching hockey.”

WHAT THEY MEANT

But enjoy the show everyone! And be sure to tune in to the WInter Classic, New Year’s Day on NBC! … Now can I get my endorsement check?

SETTING

Philadelphia Flyers forward Jaromir Jagr is being interviewed about his decision to spurn his former team, the Pittsburgh Penguins, and former teammate turned Penguins’ owner Mario Lemieux, in favor of signing for their much-hated arch rival, the Philadelphia Flyers.

WHAT THEY SAID

Jaromir Jagr: “It would probably would be a lot easier if I would come back, probably my jersey would hang…one day, but, I chose the other way. Sometimes you think your brain knows everything, but you should follow your heart first.”

WHAT THEY MEANT

And I guess, at the end of the day, my heart just really hated Mario Lemieux, and would not be satisfied until it betrayed him, along with crushing the hopes of as many Penguins fans as possible. And I have to say, it feels good. Always follow your heart, kids.

SETTING

Head coach Peter Laviolette is giving another pre-game speech to his players.

WHAT THEY SAID

Peter Laviolette: “Just a couple of reminders here, you either put it wide with speed and put it on the net, or you put it behind them and grind the piss out of this team because that’s the strength of ours.”

WHAT THEY MEANT

Philadelphia fans, here come your self-procraimed giddy-up and go, piss-grinding Philadelphia Flyers! Please give them a warm welcome! Piss-warm, even, if you can manage it!

SETTING

Head coach Peter Laviolette is talking to his players before or after a practice about some non-hockey related aspects of the job.

WHAT THEY SAID

Peter Laviolette: “This is just a reminder on that schedule, that christmas party, everybody aware of that? The big boss just wanted me to remind everyone that it’s mandatory, not an optional, not your choice, you have to be here.”

WHAT THEY MEANT

I don’t want to go either, but let’s remember what happened to Jeff. Either you show up to the annual Dry Island Christmas party for one day, or it’s off to NHL-hell in Columbus for the rest of your career. And if you think our island is dry, try hell.

SETTING

Wayne Simmonds, traded from the Los Angeles Kings to the Flyers during the offseason, is setting a great example for everyone watching by giving an interview mid-transit, while driving his car.

WHAT THEY SAID

Wayne Simmonds: “It’s a bit different than L.A., obviously. It’s a way better hockey town. So I’m pretty happy about being traded here.”

WHAT THEY MEANT

Especially after yesterday’s press conference introducing Daryl Sutter as L.A. Kings coach.

SETTING

During the same interview, Wayne Simmonds is asked about what it is like being an African-American player in a predominantly caucasian league.

WHAT THEY SAID

Wayne Simmonds: “At the end of the day, everybody walks into the dressing room as a human being. That’s the way it is.”

WHAT THEY MEANT

Except for Sean Avery.

Written by Shark Circle

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